Guess what? I am not as screwed up as I use to be. And yeah, a woman is to blame. It is a nice feeling, I can tell you. Today, I am empty, but not in the sense it use to be! Now I am empty as I am drained. To tell you the truth, I would like to give her everything that is mine, and be drained forever! Not even emptiness is what it was. Now, there's a smile on my face.
I can't seem to shake the feeling of being down. Why you ask. Good question. I wish I had the answer to it. I wish I had all the answers. But, I don't, God damn it. I have just a blury vision of the future that can go either way and it scares me to death. Yeah, I know, some would say the uncertenty is the thing that makes life worth living, but is it so simple when the two possible outcomes of your story are so opposite?
If the first one comes out, I will have everything I ever dreamed of! I will have a woman that loves me, that inspires me, that makes me think I can touch the sky, a woman so wonderful that everything looks pitty in comparison...
If the second outcom comes to life, I will be left with nothing. The things I'd still have would have no value, because she won't be there. I'd have no one to share anything with. I took a look at a girl I use to like before, and felt nothing. It all has changed because of her. When did I become so hopelessly lost?
I am not looking for advice. Nobody follows their own advice anyway. Then, why give it at all?
It is perhaps the one true thing in life that will never change. Stories. They have existed since people do, and all the time, they repeat them selfs, over and over again. The poor boy never gets rich, the good guy never gets the girls, the bad guys always die! It's a set of rules that keeps the Earth spining. Of course, there are some exceptions to the rule, but they exist only to prove the point! And, don't expect them to happen to you. Cause they never do!
I use to be one of those people that use the phrase - I'll never... I think that a while ago, that phrase has died for me. Yeah, it's a cliché to say - Never say never; but you see, clichés didn't become clichés if they didn't reoccur so much! It's like that Renault commercial that I like - remember when you said you'd never fall in love again? Well, I remember it quite well! It's like it was yesterday. Furthermore, I swore to my self that I'll never go for a woman that I can't keep for my self, forever. And what happened? I did just that!!
You see, it's better to never make promises, that way you'll never have to break them. Even if they were made to your own self!
So, "never" died for me you see. I just hope that "today" lasts a little bit longer...
Whenever I feel sad, I just remind my self of that feeling. To be able to fly. There is nothing in the world that is better than that. Unfortunatly I am not thinking of the Pink Floyd song at the moment, although I am crazy about it these last few days. No, I talking about climbing the highest mountain in Macedonia, mount Korab, and having everything beneath your feet. It's like you are at the top of the world. I wish I was living there. Up there, nothing can touch me. Up there, I am free. Up there, I don't think about loosing you...
It is an OK day. So far, nothing shitty has happened. And don't get me wrong, I love days when I can just relax, don't think about problems and worries, but, knowing my luck in the past, I have to ask my self that one question - is it possible that nothing will go wrong today? The day is far from over, and Murphy is my supreme god, so... For once, I honestly hope that I am dead wrong, and that all that is not well will end well. And round and round it goes, and round and round it goes... Have a nice day, where ever you are!